Hello, little blog.
I braved this place today....this place that was once full of happy pictures of my little family, a perfect record of our growth, our successes. Three very, very raw posts have changed this place for me.
It isn't easy, reading my words from those days. Remembering. It isn't quite that I have forgotten, but to read them, it puts me back. My pain one year later is different....a little less raw, but still there. I realize that this has a lot to do with the little pill I take now, daily. The one that lets me think a little more clearly and not get stuck in places I shouldn't be. The little pill that when the boys ask, I tell them it makes my heart happy. Because that is really what it does....it reminds my heart of all the good things I have, it allows me to think about and (try to) understand what happened, and overall, keeps me with my family. Because there were easily times a year ago, that I didn't think I could do it. Didn't think that I could brave a world without my brother, didn't think that I could bear the pain...times when it felt so easy to give into the black hole. I won't let it win, the depression and the grief that holds such power over me, and I am proud to tell anyone that compliments me on how well I am doing that I am not doing it alone. Support, in many ways, is getting me through.
I want to write again. I want to share the funny and crazy things that the boys do, write out the pain that I feel. But this place, it feels tainted. But at the same time, it is real....the emotions, the words, are real....and I need them. Will it be weird to start again? To mix the happy posts with the grief posts? Is that acceptable? Do I even need permission? After all, this is my space, my place. And above all....is anybody even still checking this?
