it hurts.

I braved my own blog today, looking at pictures and reading what I wrote before. Before my brother was sick, before the treatments at Rush and the complications that took his lung and eventually took his life.

Before.

I remember. I remember not having black hole in my chest, one that when I think about it and acknowledge it's existence it burns and makes my whole body hurt. It sucks me in, the blackness and the pain in my chest and it makes me cry. It makes me miss my brother and be willing to give anything in the world to have him back.

I was there. We all were. The images, they haunt me, but I know that deep down I would have hated not being there. My hand on his head, whispering it would be okay and it's not going to hurt anymore and that we'd take care of everything. I tried to stop myself from screaming 'no', because I knew that nothing was in my control. Feeling helpless. I left the room, and stood outside to the sad eyes of nurses. I walked down the hallway in a daze, trying to make sense of the most awful moment of my entire life. I think about it and see it in my head and the hole in my chest grows and threatens to swallow me.

I never imagined it would hurt like this. It is so much worse than I ever anticipated.

The big 5

He's FIVE. 

Five....sigh. Still a mixture of little trying to be big, still nervous but getting brave. It's like he's on the brink of figuring out who he is and what he wants to do. Eddie still adores his Daddy and is mostly bothered by my everlasting presence, except when he's hurt. He's headed to another year of Pre-K, having trouble being frustrated easily by numbers but already knowing sight words. Amazingly curious, he wants answers for everything and will repeatedly ask about things he has trouble understanding, like they just brew in his brain. His Grandpa Frank in heaven is one that still comes up often. We got Eddie a scooter for his birthday, and he's quite in love with zipping around on it.... although he says he can't wait until he's six and can get a skateboard. Ha! I cannot wait to see what 5 brings us. I have a feeling that this might be one of my favorite Eddie ages yet....

{...and this is his 'tude 90% of the time}

{he can still be sweet. only for a little bit, though}

{he's insanely obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}

{and is just a *little* brave in the pool. sometimes. on his terms.}

{he came for a family paddle day with my dragon boat team, and when I tried to coach him on the correct way, he said "Focus on your own, Momma". okay, then.}

{He went to the REAL golf course for his birthday, something we've been talking about for months now. More picture to come. It was awesome.}

Happy five, my love.

Adventurous Souls

One thing I never guess when we moved to the farms was that there would still be beautiful forest preserves to explore. I grew up in a neighborhood directly across from a massive forest preserve, one that we would explore regularly with our dogs or on our own, so of course it's natural for me to want to do the same with my boys. Thankfully, I've become friends with such an awesome and interesting group of people, one of which is a wonderful photographer. She mentioned heading to a forest preserve and said it was one of the most beautiful places she's ever been. Well, we explored and she was right! I will never get over the awe of driving through miles of corn, wheat and bean fields and suddenly popping into open land with massive trees and fields of wildflowers. It is simply stunning. 

{ready to explore!}

{I set us up to take some brother pictures and the next tree over had this monster handing at Eddie height. After snapping the picture, I backed the boys away slowly and then said RUUUNNN!!!} 

{whatever was in here, they weren't bees. They were black and white and huge. Didn't seem to mind us at all!}

{my boy, with his scavenger hunt list}

{eddie took this of me and my hiking buddy}

{after the forest preserve we headed to beautiful Lake Shabbona to check some more things off of our scavenger hunt}

Eddie gets a little whiney on our hikes, whereas Finn would sit and be carted around for hours. He sits and the very edge of his backpack, arm hanging over, ready to point out his favorite things. Having a list for Eddie to check off helped this time, and that was actual our downfall as we needed to head home for lunch and he hadn't checked everything off...cue meltdown! Thankfully we have a couple more weeks until school starts and we can keep squeezing in adventure whenever we want!

Outdoor Movie Night!

So many of my friends made a 'Summer Bucket List' for their family. On almost each one was an outdoor movie night. Naturally, after looking on Pinterest for some ideas, I totally fell in love. We could pull this off, and better yet, we could make it into the boys' birthday party theme! Win - win. 

Most of you know that I'm a crazy theme planner, so I took the movie thing and ran. I was originally going to use a template from Oh Happy Day, but had some printer troubles so we just went with regular write-in ones (in movie theme) from the party store. Easy peasy. Food was "theater" themed, with a hotdogs, hamburgers and a nacho bar. Right before the movie started we also put out popcorn and a candy bar. Obviously a hit! The balloons were pretty easy this year (hurray, no DIY balloon arch!), with one big character mylar and solid color balloons making little colums. I ended up blowing up the solid colored ones myself, and used the big mylar ones to hold them up. Again, can't get any easier than that! Usually I do balloons a day or two before, and they're still happy by party time. We borrowed a friends projector, hooked up our own sound system and used 2 vinyl shower curtain liners from Target (less that $3 each) taped together for the screen. I just used some twine to hang the screen between two trees and held in down with a rod taped to the bottom. I was really, really happy with the way our screen worked out. I was a little nervous that the picture quality wouldn't be great, but we were all pleasantly surprised, even with the two holes I accidently ripped in it with the ladder! Throw up some classic cafe lights and the whole look was gorgeous. 

{our screen and balloons}

{our 'get comfy' area. In addition to these blankies, I had different outdoor conversations sets and tables and chairs set around the yard. In front of the projector I also propped up a headboard and piled on a bunch of pretty pillows!}

{food area}

{concessions area}

{Twislers, M&M's, raisinets and gummy worms!}

{those paper candy boxes were $1 for a package of 5 from the party store and worked perfectly!}

{popcorn!}

{bad shot of our pretty lights in the dark, but oh, I loved it}

{It was so fun to watch the adults get into the movie too!}

To entertain the kids before the movie we had a "monster slime" sensory bucket and some outdoor play toys. Beyond that? I think they liked running around and playing with sticks the most! We started the movie about 40 minutes before the official sunset, and while it was still pretty bright, the kids all claimed they could see the movie, so we went with it. Not to mention I accidently stopped the movie so we had to restart 10 minutes in, ha! 

I was really surprised how easy this party was to pull off. I usually go a little crazy and over plan activities and such, and this was totally low key, kept the kids entertained and the adults actually got to chat instead of chasing a bunch of littles around! I think I've covered everything, but if you have a question about anything we did, leave it in the comments! 

He's Two.

 He's two, and it seems to fit. In fact, he seems so much older to me! I often forget he's still such a little peanut. He wants to keep up with brother, whether it's playing super heros or ninja turtles, singing his ABC's (which he learned from Eddie!) or going on the potty, he's pretty far ahead what I remember Eddie at when he was 2.

Compare that picture above with this little munchkin?

I didn't look at his one year photo until just now, and the similarities crack me up. Sharp teeth? Yes, biting it his go-to when wrestling with Eddie. Still climbs like a monkey...his favorite spot to sit is on the window ledge above the couch. Trouble maker is on there twice, now! His blue eyes are even better with his adorable glasses. His smile is contagious, especially when he grins at you when you're trying to discipline him. It's hard to believe that we started out the way we did...

Other fun Finn facts - he loves his "Erna" (his god-mother, Erin) - wakes up every morning at 6:02 no matter what time he went to bed - he mostly refers to Eddie as "Bra-bra" (brother) - he thinks being nakie is hilarious and runs around shouting "NAAAKIEE!!" - doesn't listen, ever - loves dogs - thinks he is a great farmer, constantly picks tomatoes as soon as he spots them, still green  - hates shoes - loves playing golf and hockey with Daddy and Brother. 

{love you forever}

{my sweet little monkey}

Happy second birthday, buddy. I can't wait to see what hell you're raising by three. 

Through the looking glass

{this is a very long post, with details that will bore most to tears. I'm mostly writing it for me and any other mom out there that is about to go through this, too!}


It was mid June when we started to notice Finn's right eye crossing. It would happen and correct itself so quickly, within a blink. It progressed, at first only when he was tired and maybe once a week. Then a couple times a day, building up to his eye being crossed almost all of the time. Somewhere in the progression, maybe a two weeks in (when we started to notice it happening a couple times/day), we took him into the pediatrician to have it checked. Our normal pedi was out of town, so we saw someone within the practice. He told us that it looked normal and that it would be something that he grew out of. If it continued in two weeks, I could call a pediatric specialist in our area.

That weekend, his eye crossed a lot and we just knew it wasn't 'normal' or 'developmental'. So we saw the pedi on a Friday. On Monday, I made an appointment with the specialist. In my mind, I would rather hear 'developmental' from him, if it was. Two weeks later, we had our appointment. This was around the time that his eye was turning almost always.

I was very, very nervous about this appointment. I mean, I get a little twitchy at the thought of the eye doctor. How could I introduce this and keep my almost two year old calm during what they told me would be a 2 hour appointment?! All in all, it wasn't quite the full two hours, but it was still very hard. Just filling out paperwork in a full waiting room trying to keep Finn contained was hard! I felt like a lot of people were assuming that it was my eye appointment, and were giving me quite the stink eye for bringing my baby. I was flustered from the get-go. Thankfully, it wasn't long after the paperwork hell that they called us back.

First, a woman tried to get Finn to put on glasses and grab the wings of a 3D fly. That didn't happen, he screamed and said "no!" over and over. Next, she tried to get him to look at a horse on the wall. Again, the screaming and no's. She was very, very kind though and smiled and simply said "maybe in 6 months". Phew! With the staff being calm, it really helped me feel better about all the tantrums! We went into a second waiting room next, to wait for the doctor. Now, my friend Dawn told me about this doctor. That he wasn't really personable, that he rocked cowboy boots in the farmland, but that he was the best at his job. Thank goodness she prepared me! They called us back to his room, and right away I knew he was.....ahem....as Dawn described. Without looking at me, he told me to sit in the chair with Finn in my lap. The assistants in the room smiled warmly. I tried not to cry. Right away, Finn was unhappy, but I can't blame him! He was poked and prodded and the Dr. asked questions in a firm and accusing manner. I tried to keep my eyes on his cowboy boots and laugh inside. Without warning he laid down the chair (ass!) and had me put Finn in a head lock so he could dilate his eyes with the drops. LOTS of crying. It was quite funny, at first he wasn't screaming too bad and the ladies were super impressed and then with one big inhale Finn let his loudest wails rip. The ladies giggled and said "oh, never-mind!". Again, the ladies in this office made me feel so, so much better. They're used to seeing this all the time, and while the Dr kind of ignored it, the ladies embraced it and laughed.

We went back into the second waiting room while the drops took effect. Finn was quite giggly about the whole situation and was rather fascinated with the lights. He just kept saying "liiiiiiiights, oooonnnnn!" all drawn out. lol. He mainly stayed fascinated by the lights and climbed all over the chairs...no tears this time, which was a win! The second we went back to see the Dr, though, that was a different story. Finn knew what was coming. Thankfully, he had a little moo-ing cow toy that continued to keep Finn happy long enough for the doctor to check his eyes. Right when the dilation started to take effect, his right eye went in and just stayed, so I knew something was up right away. My momma gut for the win!

Lots of people are asking me how the Doctor actually checked Finney's eyes, and the best I can say is that after his eyes were dilated, he look a bunch of smaller lenses out of a case and held them one by one up to Finn's eye. It was kind of a long process, with Finn not quite cooperating, but the Dr was looking to see how the back of his eye reacted to the different lenses.

With that, he was able to determine that Finn is severely farsighted in his right eye and somewhat in his left. What this means is that because his one eye is so much different than the other, his brain basically shuts the bad one down, which is why it turns in. Long run, if untreated, one side of his brain won't develop the same. No bueno. Our plan for the first two weeks was to see how he reacted to the glasses and then determine if we needed to do patching, and further down the road, surgery.

On a personal note, I have to say that I felt such guilt over Finn's eye troubles. I know that we caught it as soon as we could, but still went through every picture I have checking his eyes. I researched and read more articles than I can remember. I cried. I was mad. I went through it all. And now? It seems so silly. Finn's glasses are a part of him, and honestly, I think he looks cuter with them than without! Patching is a whole different thing, and I'm still terrified by the thought of that, so fingers crossed that the Dr is happy with our progress so far. 

It took a week for the glasses to come in (we went with Miraflex...function over fashion at the point, but they are super cute, I think) and so far, Finn has been awesome. He asks for his glasses every morning, knows to take them off when he's crying so they don't fog up (lol) and hands them to me when they need to be cleaned. His eye is doing great with the glasses on, but still turns in once they're off. Our follow up is actually tomorrow, so I'll throw and update on as soon as I know!

The Summer off....

Well, looks like I took the summer off around here! Ha. Unintentional blog breaks make me sane. Trying to get caught up, though? It is bound to make me insane. 

We've had a pretty low key summer around here...some trips to the lake, a little extended family time, and one awesome birthday party. Most of those will get their own posts. In the meantime....some randoms. 

{me and the turz at my friend's wedding in Lincoln Park}

{BHS reunion crew at Jon and Tatiana's wedding}

Eddie has been going to camp for a full day twice a week (an awesome energy burner!), which makes the days he is home basically a brother love fest. Of course, Finn still gets on his nerves every now and then, but of course, what else are little brothers supposed to do?!

{surprise! Finn got glasses at the end of June}

{These two would live outside if we let them}

So, there. A nice little baby catch up, prepare for lots more posts to come! 

End of Pre-K

We were beyond lucky to get into the program that Eddie was in for Pre-K this year. BEYOND. His teacher was absolutely the best choice for us...she would probably be the best choice for any kid, really, she is just that amazing. It will be so hard to say goodbye, but hopefully we'll get to see her around the Y, as we both take the same classes :) Not to mention Eddie was hounding her to go to Portillos with us (oh yes, asking his teacher on lunch dates the whole school year!) so we've been chatting to make that happen as a surprise! In addition to the love Eddie had for his main teacher, Finn fell in love with the assistant teacher. My boys, what charmers!

I tried to take a copy photo of Eddie from the first day of school on his last day, and unfortunately was in such a hurry that I totally forgot to check my settings. Of course, this resulted in a totally blown out picture. Boo. I tried to save it the best I could, and if anything it can remind me how hectic it was trying to take pictures and manage Finn!

{ugh. it makes me want to cry just looking at it. it would have been the perfect picture! such is life, right?}

{we got both teachers a plant and Eddie wrote his little note. Adorable, no?!}

{eddie and mrs. f}

{finney hunting down his favorite!}

{goofy boy and mrs. m}

{eddie and mrs. m}

Even just typing this up, Finn is freaking out over the pictures of Mrs. M and Eddie just announced that he missed Mrs. F. awww! 

BBQ Mac

(totally un-edited photos to follow. i'm lucky i'm posting at all!)

So my brother recently got into BBQ-ing. Like, hardcore, make his own sauce and smoke all day long. Wait....that last part sounded wrong, but you know what I mean.

We first sampled his BBQ when we went down for one of his test runs. It was a super hot day, Finn cried the whole drive down to Mac and Amy's and then continued to cry the whole time he was there. We tried to have fun while he was miserable.

{that pulled pork in the back? best ever.}

{a sprinkler game quickly turned into "lets squirt Mac"}

{wwaaaahhhh}

{eddie and Maddi throwing buckets of water! i know how thrilled maddi's mom was of her lack of change of clothes!}

{oh, lovey little water boy}

We came home that evening and Eddie tore into BBQ leftovers right away. It was awesome. A couple weeks later, Mac had his official competition at the Homer Soda Festival. The festival was about 3 hours away from our house and in the middle of almost-Indiana-Illinois...a tough drive! We made it, though, and settled in for a long day of soda-ing and smoking (bbq kind!) and hanging out. 

{got there just in time for the first check and adding some sweet potatoes to the smoker!}

{uncle Mac and his boys}

{eddie's first soda. thank GOD it was a small little sample cup!}

{daddy's boy}

{freeeeeeedom!}

{finney loved the bluegrass bands. silly boy danced and swayed}

{swaying to the music. lololololol}

{huggies! eddie is so into this, obviously}

{cheers-ing our soda!}

{need to keep a baby occupied? supply giant sucker. Uh....not a great choice there, Momma}

{getting the judge's samples ready}

{that sucker....two pictures up? it equals sticky baby! we were dying laughing at this...finn stuck his face to this balloon over and over and would slowwwwly pull it off. it was awesome}

{it's a little more uncomfortable with almost 60lb eddie up there!}

{my roommate from freshman year of college lives about 15 minutes from Homer and came to visit! We haven't seen each other since my baby shower with Eddie. Can I just say how special it is to watch an old friend jump right in and love on your kiddos? Goodness, we're a lucky clan.}

{me and sierra!}

{cool kid rockin' the shades the whole way home}

Mac didn't win for any of his entries, but we had a blast and as Eddie put it "I love you anyway, Uncle Mac!".