Ramblings.

We interrupt our normally scheduled catch up series with this. My ramblings post! Normally I know these are very light hearted and haha, but my world right now kind of resembles a snow globe, so these are going to be kind of heavy. Sorry, I've got to get this out.


And now that I think about it? Wow. A snow globe is kind of perfect. I feel very much like we're chugging along, a normal little family in a normal little town, idyllic if you will, just like the inside of a snow globe. The first time is gets all shaken up, things floating down as the mess calms, we're kind of like...HUH. That was crazy, right? And get along with our shit. Then the person shaking decides that was kind of fun, so they shake a little harder. And we all go WHOA. That one was a little stronger, and that kind of sucks. And then, the person up there is kind of like a kid picking on ants and shakes the ever loving SHIT out of the snow globe and everything goes flying around in a tornado of crazy and we're all sitting here going WHAT THE FUCK.

Yes, that's a lot of capital letters, and you better believe I am shouting each one of them. People are sick, other people are shitty human beings, other people are really really sick. And I feel like all of the time I'm left hoping for the best of a crappy situation. Like, there never is a good option for me to hope for...either way my options (or theirs, or the person making the decisions in some cases) are crappy either way. So you're left juggling CRAPPY, OR REALLY REALLY MOTHER FUCKING CRAPPY... and you know what? BULLSHIT. That's just about all I think of lately.

Cancer is bullshit. Crappy people are bullshit. BULL.SHIT.

(sorry)

I am a fixer by nature, something I hate about myself, because if you come to me with a problem I am going to give you a 20 minute speech chock full of advice that you probably don't want. I can't fix any of this though, and I have a problem with that. I talked to my Aunt Lorrie yesterday and she mentioned something about how she knows God will get her through this, one way or another. And I mentioned that her thinking is about the exact opposite of what I think right now. I really wish that I could have faith in God, faith in the way things are supposed to work out. But I don't. "I'm just angry", I told her. She let out a small little chuckle and said "You can be angry at God, Mag. He doesn't care. Be angry all you want."


So I'm angry, and I'm yelling at the skies and asking what's next. Waiting for the next shake of the snow globe, the next time shit goes flying. And I'm praying, not to God or anyone. I'm praying for medicine. For doctors and science. Because that's all I believe in right now.