Reminders

Things have been good. I've been smiling genuinely and laughing with friends. Sometimes, I tell too many details and know that I've overwhelmed someone, but I'm working on it. Yesterday, though, it was bad. I had a great day, went into work for a couple hours and felt....normal. I didn't think about it. And then, at bed time with Finn, the dark enveloped me and my least favorite movie started. Last moments, last words. Images, non stop.

I fucking hate that movie.

Frankie finally relieved me from my dark little hole, and I went to watch some TV. My favorite show, Parenthood, was on. You see, in the opening episode of Parenthood they had a huge family dinner outside in their parent's backyard. It was beautiful....a table filled with parents and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. I always imagined us like that, eventually. So in the beginning of the episode the sister goes to talk to her brother, cries and tells secrets and he hugs and comforts her. I lost it. I'm not going to have that anymore. And while I know that, to SEE it, and to really imagine it being me and Mac, it was too much.

I stayed up until 1:00am, not willing to go to my dark bedroom. I read all of our old text messages, back to June. I listened to voicemails I saved on my phone. "Hi Mag, it's your brother!"....he opens every voicemail like that. They don't seem real, recordings of his voice. My eyes this morning are puffy and red and I have traces of mascara waterfalls still running down my face.

Is this normal? To have good days and bad? I mean, I think it is. But the hard days make the good days seem worse. I feel guilty for allowing myself to appear whole, when I'm really shattered. I'm so broken and lost. And the one person who would normally fix me is the only person that I can't have. And that in and of itself makes me feel guilty, since Mac wouldn't want me like this. He wouldn't want any of us feeling this hurt and lost. I have a lot to learn from him, still.

I wasn't done learning from him.