Dreams

I'm not quite sure when it will stop feeling like a dream. When the feeling that I can pick up the phone and hear my brother's voice will stop. It gets me, often. I see things or hear things or take a picture that I want to show him, and for a split second, I almost do it. And then I remember. And then, without control, the movie starts.

From 4:30 pm on Thursday, December 12 that I got the call that his heart was de-satting and the doctors said to call the family, the movie runs through until I drove home around noon on Friday, December 13. My nightmare, flooding my head.

I still have his voicemails. I listen. "Hey Mag, it's your brother...." is how he starts every one. It's how we referred to ourselves and each other, 'your brother' 'your sister'. I am nobody's sister.

My heart hasn't felt this raw in a while. 6 weeks from the worst day of my entire life, and I will sit and countdown the minutes. I will drop Eddie off at school at 9:45, when doctors were rounding. I will countdown the minutes until 11:02 when they said the words I dreaded. I will remember everyone's face and their voices. My nightmare.

If I could call him, he would laugh at the outrageousness of it all. Would tell me that the chances were one in a million.

He truly was one in a million. My North Star. And I am so, so lost without him shining.

Reminders

Things have been good. I've been smiling genuinely and laughing with friends. Sometimes, I tell too many details and know that I've overwhelmed someone, but I'm working on it. Yesterday, though, it was bad. I had a great day, went into work for a couple hours and felt....normal. I didn't think about it. And then, at bed time with Finn, the dark enveloped me and my least favorite movie started. Last moments, last words. Images, non stop.

I fucking hate that movie.

Frankie finally relieved me from my dark little hole, and I went to watch some TV. My favorite show, Parenthood, was on. You see, in the opening episode of Parenthood they had a huge family dinner outside in their parent's backyard. It was beautiful....a table filled with parents and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. I always imagined us like that, eventually. So in the beginning of the episode the sister goes to talk to her brother, cries and tells secrets and he hugs and comforts her. I lost it. I'm not going to have that anymore. And while I know that, to SEE it, and to really imagine it being me and Mac, it was too much.

I stayed up until 1:00am, not willing to go to my dark bedroom. I read all of our old text messages, back to June. I listened to voicemails I saved on my phone. "Hi Mag, it's your brother!"....he opens every voicemail like that. They don't seem real, recordings of his voice. My eyes this morning are puffy and red and I have traces of mascara waterfalls still running down my face.

Is this normal? To have good days and bad? I mean, I think it is. But the hard days make the good days seem worse. I feel guilty for allowing myself to appear whole, when I'm really shattered. I'm so broken and lost. And the one person who would normally fix me is the only person that I can't have. And that in and of itself makes me feel guilty, since Mac wouldn't want me like this. He wouldn't want any of us feeling this hurt and lost. I have a lot to learn from him, still.

I wasn't done learning from him.

it hurts.

I braved my own blog today, looking at pictures and reading what I wrote before. Before my brother was sick, before the treatments at Rush and the complications that took his lung and eventually took his life.

Before.

I remember. I remember not having black hole in my chest, one that when I think about it and acknowledge it's existence it burns and makes my whole body hurt. It sucks me in, the blackness and the pain in my chest and it makes me cry. It makes me miss my brother and be willing to give anything in the world to have him back.

I was there. We all were. The images, they haunt me, but I know that deep down I would have hated not being there. My hand on his head, whispering it would be okay and it's not going to hurt anymore and that we'd take care of everything. I tried to stop myself from screaming 'no', because I knew that nothing was in my control. Feeling helpless. I left the room, and stood outside to the sad eyes of nurses. I walked down the hallway in a daze, trying to make sense of the most awful moment of my entire life. I think about it and see it in my head and the hole in my chest grows and threatens to swallow me.

I never imagined it would hurt like this. It is so much worse than I ever anticipated.

The big 5

He's FIVE. 

Five....sigh. Still a mixture of little trying to be big, still nervous but getting brave. It's like he's on the brink of figuring out who he is and what he wants to do. Eddie still adores his Daddy and is mostly bothered by my everlasting presence, except when he's hurt. He's headed to another year of Pre-K, having trouble being frustrated easily by numbers but already knowing sight words. Amazingly curious, he wants answers for everything and will repeatedly ask about things he has trouble understanding, like they just brew in his brain. His Grandpa Frank in heaven is one that still comes up often. We got Eddie a scooter for his birthday, and he's quite in love with zipping around on it.... although he says he can't wait until he's six and can get a skateboard. Ha! I cannot wait to see what 5 brings us. I have a feeling that this might be one of my favorite Eddie ages yet....

{...and this is his 'tude 90% of the time}

{he can still be sweet. only for a little bit, though}

{he's insanely obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles}

{and is just a *little* brave in the pool. sometimes. on his terms.}

{he came for a family paddle day with my dragon boat team, and when I tried to coach him on the correct way, he said "Focus on your own, Momma". okay, then.}

{He went to the REAL golf course for his birthday, something we've been talking about for months now. More picture to come. It was awesome.}

Happy five, my love.

Adventurous Souls

One thing I never guess when we moved to the farms was that there would still be beautiful forest preserves to explore. I grew up in a neighborhood directly across from a massive forest preserve, one that we would explore regularly with our dogs or on our own, so of course it's natural for me to want to do the same with my boys. Thankfully, I've become friends with such an awesome and interesting group of people, one of which is a wonderful photographer. She mentioned heading to a forest preserve and said it was one of the most beautiful places she's ever been. Well, we explored and she was right! I will never get over the awe of driving through miles of corn, wheat and bean fields and suddenly popping into open land with massive trees and fields of wildflowers. It is simply stunning. 

{ready to explore!}

{I set us up to take some brother pictures and the next tree over had this monster handing at Eddie height. After snapping the picture, I backed the boys away slowly and then said RUUUNNN!!!} 

{whatever was in here, they weren't bees. They were black and white and huge. Didn't seem to mind us at all!}

{my boy, with his scavenger hunt list}

{eddie took this of me and my hiking buddy}

{after the forest preserve we headed to beautiful Lake Shabbona to check some more things off of our scavenger hunt}

Eddie gets a little whiney on our hikes, whereas Finn would sit and be carted around for hours. He sits and the very edge of his backpack, arm hanging over, ready to point out his favorite things. Having a list for Eddie to check off helped this time, and that was actual our downfall as we needed to head home for lunch and he hadn't checked everything off...cue meltdown! Thankfully we have a couple more weeks until school starts and we can keep squeezing in adventure whenever we want!

Outdoor Movie Night!

So many of my friends made a 'Summer Bucket List' for their family. On almost each one was an outdoor movie night. Naturally, after looking on Pinterest for some ideas, I totally fell in love. We could pull this off, and better yet, we could make it into the boys' birthday party theme! Win - win. 

Most of you know that I'm a crazy theme planner, so I took the movie thing and ran. I was originally going to use a template from Oh Happy Day, but had some printer troubles so we just went with regular write-in ones (in movie theme) from the party store. Easy peasy. Food was "theater" themed, with a hotdogs, hamburgers and a nacho bar. Right before the movie started we also put out popcorn and a candy bar. Obviously a hit! The balloons were pretty easy this year (hurray, no DIY balloon arch!), with one big character mylar and solid color balloons making little colums. I ended up blowing up the solid colored ones myself, and used the big mylar ones to hold them up. Again, can't get any easier than that! Usually I do balloons a day or two before, and they're still happy by party time. We borrowed a friends projector, hooked up our own sound system and used 2 vinyl shower curtain liners from Target (less that $3 each) taped together for the screen. I just used some twine to hang the screen between two trees and held in down with a rod taped to the bottom. I was really, really happy with the way our screen worked out. I was a little nervous that the picture quality wouldn't be great, but we were all pleasantly surprised, even with the two holes I accidently ripped in it with the ladder! Throw up some classic cafe lights and the whole look was gorgeous. 

{our screen and balloons}

{our 'get comfy' area. In addition to these blankies, I had different outdoor conversations sets and tables and chairs set around the yard. In front of the projector I also propped up a headboard and piled on a bunch of pretty pillows!}

{food area}

{concessions area}

{Twislers, M&M's, raisinets and gummy worms!}

{those paper candy boxes were $1 for a package of 5 from the party store and worked perfectly!}

{popcorn!}

{bad shot of our pretty lights in the dark, but oh, I loved it}

{It was so fun to watch the adults get into the movie too!}

To entertain the kids before the movie we had a "monster slime" sensory bucket and some outdoor play toys. Beyond that? I think they liked running around and playing with sticks the most! We started the movie about 40 minutes before the official sunset, and while it was still pretty bright, the kids all claimed they could see the movie, so we went with it. Not to mention I accidently stopped the movie so we had to restart 10 minutes in, ha! 

I was really surprised how easy this party was to pull off. I usually go a little crazy and over plan activities and such, and this was totally low key, kept the kids entertained and the adults actually got to chat instead of chasing a bunch of littles around! I think I've covered everything, but if you have a question about anything we did, leave it in the comments! 

He's Two.

 He's two, and it seems to fit. In fact, he seems so much older to me! I often forget he's still such a little peanut. He wants to keep up with brother, whether it's playing super heros or ninja turtles, singing his ABC's (which he learned from Eddie!) or going on the potty, he's pretty far ahead what I remember Eddie at when he was 2.

Compare that picture above with this little munchkin?

I didn't look at his one year photo until just now, and the similarities crack me up. Sharp teeth? Yes, biting it his go-to when wrestling with Eddie. Still climbs like a monkey...his favorite spot to sit is on the window ledge above the couch. Trouble maker is on there twice, now! His blue eyes are even better with his adorable glasses. His smile is contagious, especially when he grins at you when you're trying to discipline him. It's hard to believe that we started out the way we did...

Other fun Finn facts - he loves his "Erna" (his god-mother, Erin) - wakes up every morning at 6:02 no matter what time he went to bed - he mostly refers to Eddie as "Bra-bra" (brother) - he thinks being nakie is hilarious and runs around shouting "NAAAKIEE!!" - doesn't listen, ever - loves dogs - thinks he is a great farmer, constantly picks tomatoes as soon as he spots them, still green  - hates shoes - loves playing golf and hockey with Daddy and Brother. 

{love you forever}

{my sweet little monkey}

Happy second birthday, buddy. I can't wait to see what hell you're raising by three.