**I apologize in advance for all of the boob talk. If anyone is reading this via my facebook page, please don't continue if you don't want to know more about my boobs than you probably know about your own. I will never sensor myself on this blog - it is, after all, the good - bad - and ugly of parenting. Who knows, one day, when you have a baby and are learning about the world of breastfeeding, maybe you'll think of the girl you took horticulture with your junior year - and her miraculous, milk making breasts, and you will suddenly understand.
When Eddie was 3 days old, our pedi at the time told us to give him a paci since he wanted to be at the breast all the time. She said he was preventing my milk from coming in. On the contrary, he was encouraging it to come in. Either way, we didn't know better so we listened. Later that day, he stopped latching on my left side. We went home with the hope that the lactation consultant would come to the house in the morning and help. That night, Eddie stopped latching all together. When I think of that now, it is such a fuzzy memory. I was so tired. I was so scared....my baby wasn't eating. Damn the pacifier. Damn the pediatrician. Damn the formula company that sent us the samples, knowing that breastfeeding was hard and that people were bound to give up. Good thing I'm stubborn. I started to pump and never looked back. I tried and tried and tried to latch Eddie back on once he kicked the jaundice, but it wasn't happening. Well, I lie. Once it did happen and I cried. It was a beautiful, wonderful moment that I will hold close to my heart forever. Let me say this - moms that can breastfeed - cherish it. Love it. I know it is hard, but having your beautiful child attached to you is so much better than a ghetto, blue and yellow pump from the early 90's. One with lovely, see through horns in which you could see your nipple being pulled out an inch an a half. TRUST ME - you don't want to see it in action, but here it is in all it ghetto, 90's glory.
Once, my UPS man came to the door while I pumped, looked into our full light glass door and I think I temporarily blinded him and scarred him for life. Seriously...when he comes to the door now, he rings the bell with his back to the door and RUNS for the truck. He drops that box and runs like a bat out of hell away from that house with the crazy woman and that crazy contraption attached to her chest. THE HORROR!!
I will give it this, I rent this pump from our hospital because the smaller (less scary, I may even call them....cute) pumps don't keep up the the amount of suckage us EPers (exclusive pumpers) need. While I do have to give back the pump itself, which means that I can't run it over with my car as I have been fantasizing, the horns/tubing/bottles are all mine - which means they are going in the next neighborhood bonfire!! Yes, I am done pumping. D-O-N-E. DONE! DONE! DONE!
The sheer jubilation I feel at this moment is completely compounded by the fact that I feel completely selfish and guilty. Thankfully, I have a rather large freezer stash...
...haha, I just *had* to include this picture somewhere. Yes folks, that is a bunch of frozen breastmilk. That is all that would fit in our little freezer - we also have a large chest freezer that is full - to the brim! - with breastmilk. So, in the end, all of my work did pay off. I think I have enough for a month, so that feels good. What doesn't feel good? OH MY GOD THE ENGORGEMENT. To feel like there are bowling balls attached to my chest.....dear Lord. This morning I pumped just to relieve some pressure and gave Eddie his last fresh milk. I cried. It sucked.....but I am sick of feeling attached to that thing. Frank is worried about me dealing with this - the guilt I have is tremendous. But, I gave my son breastmilk for 6 months....more with the frozen. I know I've done well....I wish I was never in this position. I am trying to ask myself if I would have made it this far if I was actually able to nurse. While I'm not sure, I know it would be easier if I didn't have to heat milk, wash bottles, wash pump parts. Will I still feel that pinch of envy when I see someone able to nurse? You betcha....but that one time, months ago out of the blue when Eddie nursed....I will hold onto that feeling forever. I did well, despite the obstacles. I made it, and now I'm ready to enjoy every part of my day - I will no longer dread the time I pump and will instead give Eddie more kisses and hugs. Because you know, he can always use more. :)
-maggie
No comments:
Post a Comment