Wow

I'm not sure what to say. I honestly have had so many things running through my mind in the past two days that it is fairly overwhelming to be in my head. One year ago today, I was more scared, excited, anxious, etc, etc than I have ever been and that I think I will ever be. I had an image of how Eddie's birth was going to go. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I was scared of. And then, life has a way of taking your expectations, flipping them upside down, inside out and spitting them out its ass so that everything is so twisted and battered that you can't tell the top from the bottom. 2 days of labor. 2 days of feeling like I had it together. And then, HOLY CRAP I'VE LOST MY SHIT. The glorious epidural disappeared, Eddie turned posterior (sunny side up) and was lodged in my pelvis. I passed out on a birthing ball and woke up to my doctor screaming at the nurse and throwing the ball across the room. They lost Eddie's heartrate. The pain was something so overwhelming that I literally thought my body was tearing apart. I was screaming so loudly that the other girls on the floor (those poor, poor innocent souls) could hear me, so the nurses told them that someone was listening to the TV too loudly. Poor, innocent souls. I was rushed to the OR where I was in so much pain and flailing so badly that I almost flipped myself off of the table - they ended up just knocking me out. Frank came in, they started and I was falling asleep. To be honest, I was just happy that the pain stopped and that my baby was going to be safe. Jerry, the anestesiologist grabbed our camera and began snapping pictures. While I won't post it, I actually have a photo of my son being pulled from my stomach. Jerry would squeeze my jaw to wake me up - once to make sure I was ok, once to hear my baby cry and once to look at my beautiful son for the first time.

My life changed in that moment. And yes, I know that is corny. I know that every mom says that some switch goes off in you and suddenly, you know that this life depends on you....but in some other way, your life depends on it. This switch that has turned on, it can't turn off. It doesn't just disappear when you leave your baby, and oddly enough your find yourself worrying about your friends because OH MY GOD they just do so many dangerous things! How dare they! Don't they know they're going to give you a heart attack?!?! And there it is, you're a mom.

We left the hospital in normal time, and went home to be like any other family. But that night, Eddie didn't eat. The next day, we went in for an appointment with the Lactation Consultant, and she readmitted him for jaundice. For the next 3 days, my baby looked like this...

That mom switch? The freaking out over your friends doing stupid things? Yeah, imagine what that switch does when you have to see your baby like this. You new, fresh baby that should maybe still be baking in your belly....he is now in this scary world where they stick you with IVs and put you under lights. And as a mother, you feel every poke, every prod, every pain and panic, you feel it ten fold. And you're tired, and you're hungry, and OH MY GOD who knew boobs could be so full of milk and painful?!!? And you wish that the little switch would turn off, for just a second. Just one second to breathe, and sleep, and maybe have your boobs back to normal. And then you look at this little person, and your heart hurts because you just love them so much, and there is no where in the world you'd rather be.

The love of a mother is a powerful and overwhelming thing. I never knew that I could love anything so deeply, so quickly and without abandon. I can't imagine my life pre-Eddie, pre-Mommy Switch, and I don't want to. I feel like a year has gone by so quickly, but I can't imagine what I used to do....who I used to be. He depends on me. I depend on him.

One year. My God, I have learned so much. I've learned about toys, and what diapers and best and what wipes are stronger. I know what cry means what. I've learned and taught sign language. I narrate my every move and thought to my son who listens intently. I've spent more time attatched to a pump than I want to admit. I've memorized proper breast milk storage requirements. I can install a car seat anywhere, change a diaper anywhere and sing a song about anything. I say 'no' more in a day than I have in my whole life. I know the Mikey Mouse Clubhouse song by heart. I've learned that I love baby-wearing, but can't live without my stroller. I became a personal chef for a customer that liked everything steamed and blended. I've kissed bumps, wiped Eddie tears and my own (and maybe some Frank tears, too). I've rocked, bounced and swung. I've cheered for a roll, chased a crawler and encouraged a walker. We've had hospital stays, ER trips and doctor appointments. I learned the hard way that boys are boys from day one - my boy loves trucks, cars and playing rough. He has his first scar - right at the end of his right eyebrow. I've learned that no matter how hard you try, a baby on a schedule cannot be changed. I've learned that being a stay at home mom is hard. One year. How can one person absorb, learn and experience so much in one year? It really is mind boggling.

Eddie, I love you more than words can express. Every day, you make me burst with pride and love. You have taught me to see the world with a new perspective. I now look at things through the eyes of someone who trusts all, loves all and wants all. And baby, I promise I will give you all that I can. I love when you come over and give me a random hug and kiss. I love that little twinkle of trouble that you get in your eye before you do something you shouldn't. I love that you love the water, just like your mommy, and that you are just as inquisitive and curious as your daddy. And just as I say to you every night, I love you big, I love you small, and I love you tall. I love you deeper than the ocean, taller than the mountains, more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea. I love you, my sweet, sweet man. Happy Birthday, my love.

-maggie