Lately I've had quite a few moments of true parenting. Of being in hard spots and not knowing the right thing to say and struggling with what I was saying but wanting to convey a point to Eddie.
It started when he noticed a woman who had a prosthetic leg at the racetrack. She was wearing shorts, standing near Eddie and I. I was doing something with Finney and when I looked up, I noticed Eddie was pointing...straight at her. "Momma! Look at her leg!" My first instinct was to swat that pointer finger down as hard as I could. I scolded him for pointing. Explained that we never, ever point at someone different than us. And then, I tried my best to explain. I stayed to the main points, that her leg made her different than us, but that it was okay. My main point was the Finney has blue eyes and Eddie has brown eyes, mommy has blonde hair and daddy has brown hair, and some people have one regular leg and one different leg. And these things make us all who we are. Was that right? Should I have handled it differently? At school drop off, we a woman wearing a full burqa walked by us. "Momma! Did you see what she was wearing??" Oh, yes! That's a little different than what we wear, isn't it? And I shrugged it off with a "some people dress differently and that's okay" and finished it off with something about how pretty the fabric looked blowing in the wind. We were walking directly behind her and I knew she could hear us, and above all I didn't want her to be upset. Is that weird? That I'm always thinking of everyone else's feelings? I never want to offend. Above all, in each of these situations I want to teach Eddie that there are all kinds of people in the world and that is okay and that's what makes our world interesting and fun.
I never, ever want him to point at someone again. I want him to see someone different from him and shrug it off and move on with his tiny little life. Heck, I'd love for him to go and talk to someone and find out about their differences. Is that teachable? Acceptance? I hope so. It is so, so important and while I want him to get that, I also don't want him to lose his curiosity. He's small and can be curious but that curiosity cannot show as rudeness. But in a little kid, is that possible? I mean, we're talking no filter little kid.
The worst one this week, for me, was his nightmare. If you know me at all in real life you probably know that I sleep walk. Usually this is funny and we all kind of laugh at it, but poor Frank has to live with me and deal with the not so funny ones...where I wake up in the middle of the night screaming or chase someone around the house (damn man with the hat, he always disappears on me!) or the ones not even I know what I'm doing, like those times he's found me trying to walk out of the house. SCARY. Anyway, I hate that Eddie gets nightmares like I do. I know how real and terrifying they can be. So when he woke up from his nap screaming, I knew. I ran in and consoled him and assured him he was safe until he was awake enough to tell me what happened. Something about his eye, something about how his new school was scary. OH, a two-for-one. Hurt and dealing with new school? I assured him that it was just a dream and that school is safe. That Ms. Fell and Mrs. Miller are there to keep him safe and no one will ever, ever hurt him at school. My heart hurts just thinking about it again.
On the one hand, those first issues are kind of making him grow up. Acceptance and respect are all such grown up issues and I don't want to force him out of his childhood. That dream? It shows me how much of a little peanut that he still is. Somewhere in his mind, even though he runs in his classroom excited as can be, he is scared still. And oh, I wish I could just cuddle him and snuggle my nose into that soft little place on his neck that makes him giggle and keep him safe.
Mom woes. I've got 'em.
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