The Debate

Lately Frank and I have been totally secure in our decision to have one baby. One child. One. Now that thought is starting to freak me out. Why? A couple of reasons....


1) What if Eddie grows up to be a teenager and hates me? I mean. Obviously. All teenagers hate their mothers, right? It is normal. But the nice thing about having two is that when one hates you, you can try to bribe the other one to like you. Which brings me to point number two...

2) What if he grows up to be a little shit? Yup. I said it. We covered the whole teenager hating momma, but what if momma doesn't like the teenager? I mean, really. Some teenagers are just.....no good.

3) What happens if when we get old Eddie is just not the caregiving type? Will we just be tossed into a nursing home without any visitors? Every family has the caregiver and the one who just wouldn't think much about that stuff. I'm sure you can guess which one I am in my family! But really....wouldn't that suck to just be tossed aside?

4) What if Eddie decides that he doesn't want to have kids? I know it is a long way away, but we were watching that Parenthood show last night and it was awesome to see all this big family all around a table in the backyard. It really, really was my idea of the perfect family vision. Everyone was at the one kid's baseball game! I mean, come on. CUTE! I would love to have that one day. But what if he does something like becomes the ultimate bachelor and doesn't want to have kids. OH MY GOD. Worse yet. What if he goes on the show The Bachelor and I have to watch him make out with a gazillion trashy girls?!? The horror!!

5) My kid is CUTE. Like, really, seriously cute. Insanely cute. Would it be fair to deprive the world of another super cute child?



But let's be serious.

Some days, I really feel like I'm holding on by my fingertips. More often than not, I feel trapped staying at home all day. More often than not, I feel that I may not be the best mom in the world, even though I want to be. More often than not, I feel that if I had another baby, I would fall into a deep and dark hole that I am usually trying desperately to stay out of. Is that PPD? I'm not sure. To feel that I could fall into that hole...I'm sure that means that maybe I teeter on the brink more than I realize. Would another baby push me over the edge? I think so. And how can I bring another baby into this world when I know that that is a possibility? That seems like too much pressure to put on such a tiny little life.

Sigh.

Last night, after watching Parenthood, I was considering another baby. Isn't that just silly? A TV show made me want another baby. But I know, deep down, that another baby just isn't in the cards for me right now. Maybe in a couple years.....maybe not.

Bottom line....I need to be okay with my decision, whatever that may be.