Let's get philosophical

A recent post on The Pioneer Woman got me thinking. It started with this quote....


"Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know"


The post goes on to state that my beauty may not be your beauty....my truth may not be your truth. This really seemed to fit what I've been going through in the last couple of days.

I have mentioned on here that our neighborhood is in the shitter, basically. Our builder went out of business. Our builder left many people unpaid. Large amounts of money are owed to many people that I consider friends. In addition, I feel an extra deep cut of pain when I think that I sold people houses here. I feel responsible for the fact that I convinced people that this neighborhood could be something it will now never have the opportunity to become. I feel responsible for a lot of people's misfortune in this neighborhood. I feel as though I should apologize for getting them into this mess. Even typing this, I feel a lot of anger. It brews inside me until I let it burst out in one huge, angry jumble of words and thoughts and mismatched mumbo jumbo that just floods out of me.

Sigh.

I won't let it. You see, months ago I let this anger spew out at the builder himself. We had many a angry phone conversations with yelling and frustration. I never felt better after these conversations. I never felt like anything was resolved. I felt angry.

Fast forward.

Remember when I had that pesky appendix removed? Well, that night I had a meeting for our Homeowner's Assocaition. I do not think that it is a coincidence that this happened on the same night. Now, this is when I get all philosophical on your ass. Ready?

I was so geared up for this meeting that I would shake just thinking about it. I was ready. I was ready to see the builder face to face for the first time in many months. I was ready for the yelling. Ready, ready, ready. And then....I had to have this thing taken out of my body. This thing who's purpose it is to help filter feces through your body. A shit filter. My shit filter.....it was full of shit. Shit just stuck in there. It was poisining me. It was stuck in me....filling with shit and anger and whatever else until it almost erupted. Much like my personal anger for the situation in our neighborhood. See where I'm going, here?

After my surgery, alone in my hospital room, withering in pain, I thought. I thought about the meeting I missed. I thought about the words that might have been exchanged. I thought about the anger in that room. As I recovered, I thought about what my appendix symbolized. I am a very symbolic person...I always try and find meanings for things and believe that everything happens for a reason. To me, my appendix symbolized the hate and anger that I had brewing inside me. It was literally poisining me, just like a person's anger can poison them.

I decided then that I could not continue to let things get me so riled. I could not hold so much hate in my body. When I read that quote yesterday, it helped my thoughts about the builder come full circle. I did not hate him any longer. I simply could not put the energy into hating him. I could not hold that negitive energy in my body. I just couldn't do it.



"Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."



My truth is not his truth. My truth is not your truth. It is simply my own. And as much as I try, I cannot change that. I do not see why he is angry with me, he does not see why I am angry with him. I am done trying. I will make peace with what I can and move on. Truth and beauty. My truth. My beauty.




I have to tell you, I think I did pretty good last night. For the most part, I stayed calm. I asked my questions, got my answers and moved on. I didn't get sucked into the hate, even though I could feel it brewing. When I did, I quickly got up and held a neighbor's baby for a bit.

Because if you can't find truth and beauty in a baby, I don't know where you can.