We had a busy weekend, I can't deny that. Saturday was my dad's birthday and then Eddie slept over at their house...his morning nap on Sunday ran super short, so he was pretty off the whole day. We had a birthday party to go to on Sunday for Eddie's best buddy and he did SO WELL....but he was so pooped that he fell asleep on the way home at 6:30 and stayed asleep while we changed him and got his crib back together. Now, my son has not gone to bed at 6:30 since.....I don't even know when. We figured he just needed the rest after a long weekend and all would be well. But then, at around 9:00 Eddie started SCREAMING. Like, screaming louder and harder than I have ever heard him. I ran to his room to find him sitting up and screaming. I picked him up and got a good look at him...his eyes were still shut (and shut hard), tears rolling down his cheeks, his hand were in fists and his body was completely limp. He was still asleep, having a night terror. I've grown up with these and I know how scary they are, but I've never had to watch them. My whole life I had to tell people that I sleep walk, may talk in my sleep and may have one of the terrors. Talk about a good way to scare you college roommates!
Now, I knew that I shouldn't wake him up. I know that, I've told many people not to wake ME up if I have one. I know the rules. But at that moment, all I wanted to do was wake up my son and stop whatever he was dreaming about. My heart was breaking as I sat on the floor, holding my son while he flipped and flopped and hit me and screamed. We squirted milk in his mouth - we tried to give him his paci - his blankie - I sang - I shouted to wake him up - kissed him - hugged him - pinched him...nothing worked. Finally, he opened his eyes, but he just wasn't there. I knew he was still asleep, but he wasn't screaming so I just tried to comfort him as much as I could until we got him to a place that he was awake and knew we were there. I ran his hands under water, took him outside, showed him the TV...and he was looking around, but wasn't really there. If I sat down, he screamed. So I stood, I rocked and I kissed his little head.
The agony that I felt was overwhelming - I passed this to him. I know what it feels like and I know how scary it is and it was eating me up that he had to go through it. I passed it to him. My fault.
Finally, we thought he may be hungry after not having his normal dinner, so we decided to try and feed him. We thought that he was maybe awake at this point, so I held him and Frank spoon fed him a some rice stew. I couldn't bear the thought of putting him down....and after 2 bites of stew, something clicked. He looked around. He snuggled into me and started to close his eyes. He was asleep the whole time, or at least some version of asleep, but he was finally awake and realized that he was safe. Nuzzled into my chest, Eddie started to snore. And then, thankfully, he fell into a beautiful and peaceful sleep.
After I put Eddie down in his crib, I broke. Frank looked so shell shocked and I knew I had the same look on my face. Was this going to continue to happen for Eddie as it did for me? I've thought about the things that Eddie was going to have from the Carlson genes. Probably our loud laugh, the abrasive and sometimes annoying personality, the ability to talk to anyone. The only thing that I seriously prayed that he wouldn't get is the dreaded Carlson nose. The nose that grows and grows and grows until it is so unmistakably a Carlson feature that I could probably point out my ancestors just by the nose. Please, please God, just let Eddie have Frank's nose, I used to think. That was my worst feature...it is laughable, I know, but you think of these things when you're making a person. It never occured to me that he could have night terrors that have haunted me for years. Hopefully, it was a one time thing. I never, ever want to see my baby like that ever again.
If anyone reading has dealt with a baby that has night terrors, please comment or email me what you do - maybe I will have the strength next time to let it roll out and not try to wake him...I'm not sure if that made it worse or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
-maggie
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